After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
