So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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