I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
