every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
