Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
