Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
