Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
