I am midnight drunk by noon
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
