do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
