Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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