Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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