I can feel you judging me through the phone.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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