just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
