I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
