He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
