I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
