i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
