just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
