her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Your penis caused this!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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