Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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