What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
