as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You were trust falling into bushes
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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