it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We need to get me chipped asap
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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