I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
