i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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