so let's talk penis.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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