I CAN MOONWALK!
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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