if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
