We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
