So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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