btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
