you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
