he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
