Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
