His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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