my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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