I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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