He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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