alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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