I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
