I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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