i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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