separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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