i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
