Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
