I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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