Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
