Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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