shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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