Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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