Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
