tell your sister to shave her snatch
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
