I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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