I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
