Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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